How not to meditate

Wear your tightest jeans
not the stretchy kind
the ones that pinch at the waist
so your midriff folds over
and it's hard to breathe.

Recall a recent conversation
where you felt misunderstood
and analyze what you should
have said. Visualize what you'll 
do next chance you get.

Find something on your body
or clothing to help you fidget
like cleaning your fingernails
picking the pile off your sweater
or winding hair around your finger.

Don't set an intention or an alarm
look at the clock every time you think of it.
Focus outside yourself
inhale short and shallow.
Tell yourself you can't meditate.